Interviewing Relatives: The Questions That Unlock Family History

Your older relatives know things no record will ever tell you. How to prepare, what to ask, how to record it, and what to do with the answers.

5 min read

The most valuable genealogy source you have may be sitting at your next family dinner. Older relatives remember names, nicknames, places and stories that never made it into any record, and they can identify the people in photographs that will otherwise become strangers forever. Every family historian has a story about the relative they waited too long to ask. Start now.

Before the interview

• Make a list of who to ask. Start with the oldest relatives, but don't skip cousins, in-laws and family friends. A great-aunt's best friend may remember more about the family than the great-aunt does.
• Do a little homework. Sketch what you already know on a pedigree chart and a few family group sheets, and note the gaps. Specific questions get specific answers.
• Gather prompts. Old photographs, a family Bible, a map of the hometown, or a copy of a census page are powerful memory triggers.
• Explain why you're asking. Some people worry that family history means digging up secrets. Tell them you're collecting stories so they won't be lost, and that they can skip any question.

Record it, with permission

Ask if you can record the conversation. A phone's voice memo app is enough. Recording lets you pay attention instead of scribbling notes, and it preserves your relative's voice, which may become one of the family's most treasured possessions. Video is even better if they're comfortable with it.

Start each recording by saying the date, the place, who is speaking and who is interviewing. Afterward, label the file clearly and back it up in two places.

Questions that work

Open-ended questions ("Tell me about…") bring out stories. Yes-or-no questions get yes-or-no answers. A good interview mixes both: open questions to start a memory flowing, and specific questions to pin down names, dates and places.

Their own life

• Where and when were you born? Who was there? Did your family tell any stories about your birth?
• What was your full name, and were you named after anyone?
• What do you remember about the house you grew up in? What was the address, or the road it was on?
• Which church did your family attend? Which schools did you go to?
• How did you meet your spouse? Where and when did you marry?

Parents and grandparents

• What were your parents' full names, including your mother's maiden name? Did they have nicknames?
• Where were they born, and where did they grow up? What work did they do?
• What do you remember about your grandparents? Did you ever visit their home? Where was it?
• How many brothers and sisters did each of your parents have? Do you remember their names, and who they married?
• Where are your parents and grandparents buried?

Places and moves

• Did the family ever talk about where they came from before this area? Another state, or another country?
• Why did the family move? Did anyone go west, go to the city, or come back?
• Did anyone ever mention a town, village or county in "the old country"?

Events and turning points

• Did anyone in the family serve in the military? Which war, and which branch?
• How did the family get through the Depression, or a war, or a flood or epidemic?
• Were there any family members who died young, or who the family didn't talk about?

Objects and records

• Does anyone have the family Bible, old letters, diaries, photographs, or military discharge papers?
• Who in the family kept things? Who would have inherited them?

That last question is often the most productive one you can ask. Original documents tend to follow the person who cared most about the family, and that person isn't always the oldest.

During the interview

• Keep sessions short. An hour is plenty for most people. You can always come back, and second interviews often go better because your relative has been thinking about the past.
• Let silence work. When a relative pauses, wait. The best stories often come after the pause.
• Follow the tangents. If your aunt starts talking about her uncle's farm instead of answering your question, let her. Those detours are usually the good part.
• Ask for spellings. Names of people and places are easy to mishear. Ask them to spell anything unfamiliar.
• Look at photos together. Ask who is in each picture, when and where it was taken, and the occasion. Write the answers on a label or in a list, never directly on the photo with a pen.

Handling sensitive topics

Most families have stories that are painful or private: divorce, children born outside marriage, adoption, alcoholism, prison, a suicide. Approach these gently, and never push. Sometimes a relative will raise a subject on their own once they trust that you're listening respectfully. Some may tell you a story on the condition that it not be shared while certain people are living. Honor those requests.

After the interview

1. Write it up within a day or two, while you still remember the context. A summary with the key names, dates and places is enough; a full transcript is better.
2. Thank them, and consider sending a copy of the recording or a printed family chart. It often encourages more memories.
3. Cite it as a source. In your tree, record "Interview with Mary Jones (aunt), 12 March 2026, held by the author." That way you'll always know where a fact came from.
4. Check it against records. Treat what you hear as clues, not proof.

Family stories: true, false and somewhere in between

Family stories are almost always built on something real, but details drift with each retelling. The famous ancestor may really have been a neighbor of the famous person. "Came over on the Mayflower" may mean "has been here a long time." The name "changed at Ellis Island" was almost certainly changed by the family itself, since inspectors there worked from passenger lists created at the port of departure.

Don't dismiss a story; test it. Write down exactly what was said and who said it, then look for records that confirm or contradict each piece. The kernel of truth is often more interesting than the legend.